probabilistic thinking and carpe diem

as far as i can remember, there has never been a time in my life that i was so sure of something, even until now that i am 24 and supposed to be on my way to charting my career path, my personal goals, and basically my future and my life. guess what, i am still here in the academe, still a perennial "tambay" of the lab, still at the bottom of the so-called "career food-chain": a lowly and broke student.

although continuously bombarded with tons of new information (algorithmics and time complexities are english terms please!), learning the geek-talk ("churva" and "chever" doesnt count though), and slowly embracing the nerd lifestyle (enjoying tv series marathons instead of party and booze), my current situation has somehow led me to think of rationalizing the "why" of it all: my decision to choose the jogging lane of the academic oval instead of the sidewalks of makati, the 38-peso puttanesca from the CS canteen instead of the 300++ one at the high-end italian restos around, the slipper getup over the sleek suit that has become the business district's fashion statement, the "poor" me over the "possibly richer" me.

well to answer the big WHY, let as first have the WHAT IFS, which is a lot more entertaining than the previous. a couple of years ago, my mother told me about DOST offering another scholarship for a graduate degree. being in a not-so-metropolitan city down south (had a previous blog entry about this) and 22 (yes too young to get settled and be contented), i decided it was the best reason to cite in a resignation letter. i honestly do not like to leave my job but my field post is not really as encouraging as it is in the main office. well, having decided otherwise, i could have still been there taking that 4-hour bus ride every week for home, probably already contemplating on marriage or suicide, and probably thinking of another what if: "What if i had really gone to the capital and pursued a graduate degree?"

Well as of this writing, its not a "what if" anymore. Had i decided not to, i would not have gone and experienced what its like to ride MRT at rush hour, to feel the coldest i ever felt in my entire life in Pulag, to be part of the centennial celebrations of my dear university, to actually utilize my voice in singing and being able to sing semi-pro with a group (although very rarely), and a lot more other things, not to mention the most number of flights i had in a year. geez, im beginning to think things really do work on their own, though not exactly always on a happy note but i still get to appreciate how exciting and adventurous my life has been. well somehow i am thankful for having survived the metro despite the meager allowance of a student, for the friendships that has been forged in the social circles that i have joined, and the times spent in the classrooms learning all kinds of geek stuff which i really was not so keen on during my undergraduate years. yes, i guess despite the 20-peso-i-have-left-in-my-pocket experience, or the tryst with my former landlord, or the walks i have to take just to save on fare, i guess i still have two words: Thank you!

i may not have fully explored all the probabilities and the "what ifs" of my recent life, i probably can somehow tell a story on the "why" part of it. i just hope i can always be cheerful despite of whatever that i may experience. im still young and im pretty sure there'll be more to come. someday, i wont have the luxury of youth in my back, i wont be able to experience things anymore, so as early as now, im trying not to get more "what ifs", only answered "whys".