Strips of My Hemmed Regrets

Dear Angelo,

I was really hesitant of giving this letter to you. I was having second thoughts because of the possible repercussions that this letter might cause and how greatly it would affect me as a person. After hours of pouring myself into these serious thoughts, I have finally mustered some courage and decided that it’s just time to let you know what my thoughts are. I have no intention of causing you any harm whatsoever. I just want to be fair because it’s kinda odd that it’s only me whose been thinking about these things when it actually concerns you too. It’s just fair enough to let you know how things are going as I see it. Well, it’s really up to you how you’d react. All I want to do is just air out what’s inside my head for so long just to give me some sort of release. Call it confession, outburst, or whatever that you think that best suits it. I’d rather call it a response that has long been overdue.
We have known each other for so long, probably a decade or more, and all these years, you might not know it, I consider you as one of those people who have been enjoying an undeniably persistent occurrence in my mind like a recurring electric path in the circuits of my neurons. Probably it was because you left me such a legacy that made it impossible for me to forget and bury you in the depths of my memories. You have been successful in permanently leaving a remarkable dent that made my childhood days very memorable and I commend you for that.
Why would you be so remarkable, so special? I myself wasn’t exactly sure why you, of all people, became that special when in reality, you were my greatest archenemy, the main object of my irritation, the epitome of my annoyance. I really didn’t understand why you were so fond of meddling with my life and got so delighted when you see me turn red and get angry as hell. The worst part is that I cannot say you’re evil because you were not that annoying to other people. It seemed that I am getting some sort of special attention from you, in fact, you were so nice to others and I hate it because I cannot get back at you.
You were indeed understandably naughty (boys at that age, you know) but exceptionally annoying and infuriating to me. A friendly gesture at that time from you would definitely be a shock. You might have lost your mind or, it was just a tactic or scheme that would eventually turn the table around. That is why I was somehow surprised when you gave me a keychain with my name on it when you came from a scouting jamboree in Surigao. It was a very sweet thing to do but I can’t seem to appreciate it because at that time I was feeling more furious. Yes, you gave me that token of friendship and even showed me some special treatments at times but still you didn’t stop from giving me your irritating antics and taunts. I was somehow wondering why would there be such anger from me yet I could not see any hate in it. Though you seemed so happy seeing me turn into this boiling teapot, still you call me at home and despite the misery (or so it seemed) that you have caused me back then, still I was hoping that it was you on the other line if ever our phone rings. Eventually, I came to realize that what I really felt was never a “hate” but a “like” and maybe the anger that I showed was just my simple, immature manifestation of how I really like you as a person. I tried to suppress the feeling because I felt a little awkward (we were 10 or 11 at that time, what can you expect). I tried to ignore you, made some success, but still the feeling of “liking” lingered, lying idly yet actively at the back of my mind.
High school came and it somehow made a big difference on me and our friendship. I was somehow relieved cause at long last there will be no one who will have an eye poked on every single thing that I do. No one will ever irritate me and make fun of me. We went to different schools, met a lot of new friends, and changed a lot. We never saw each other for sometime but eventually we did. It was during the summer of our junior year that we bumped into each other in a party of a common friend. It was quite a reunion. We talked just like before but this time, it was so different. We talked like grown-ups, no more petty quarrels, no harsh jokes, no annoying antics from you.
It was pretty much a simple conversation but when you told me that you actually had a crush on me when we were still kids, my heart seemed to stop and my pulse started racing as if 20000 liters of blood has been pumped into my veins. You told me that you kept on teasing and annoying me so that I would catch your attention. If you only knew how much that meant to me. When you asked me who my crush was back then, I didn’t answer though I really would want to tell you that I did like you then, until now. I was so afraid to let you know that I felt the same way. I cannot bear the idea of telling you all of my thoughts knowing that you have a girlfriend. I was somehow disappointed when I learned about it and somehow told myself that I guess the feeling would forever be just the “like” and not telling you about it at that time made matters even worse.
I admit you have been special to me all these years. You’re the one guy that hasn’t left my thoughts for sometime. I guess not grabbing the opportunity of telling you how I felt that day we met at the party made you a more dominant figure in my life. I don’t know what would have become of us if I had only told you that I did have a crush on you and likes you. We might end up liking each other, or just even laugh at our experiences together. Worse, we might hate each other for being so repressive and very assuming of our feelings. I don’t know what would become of us but one thing is for sure, I missed the opportunity of telling you how I liked you so much.
I guess I’d made my point. These words may not be enough to explain my side clearly as it should be. You might interpret this letter differently as I want it to be but these are the words I could gather to just express what I feel. I really don’t know what would happen but all I want at this point is to make the friendship that we have started last. The intensity of our likeness towards another may dwindle but the friendship hopefully would still continue. This may be the last thing you’ll ever get from me again but be assured that no matter how insignificant or significant this friendship might be in the future, you have carved your space in my memories.
Thanks very much for taking time reading this. Have a great life and Godspeed.

Mika


++Note:
I was really inspired to write this. This is not my letter, moreso my story, ko lang po ang sumulat...
This is dedicated to a friend who once had her name on the signature part of this letter but has now happily moved on...kudos and Godspeed sa atin!