Luck, Luck, Luck...and Wishful Thinking

Walking home from church one Wednesday evening, a drop of water streamed across my face. Instinctively, I looked up as if trying to confirm a rainstorm on its way to water my already-drenched neighborhood after weeks of long torrential rains in the evenings. Indeed I wasn’t mistaken because just as I reached our doorstep, water poured from the sky like a dam in heaven has just broken loose. Damn, had I stopped for even just a single step, I would have been wet all over. Luck was just on my side.

Looking forward to meet up with a classmate in a mall to return some CDs, I found myself inside a jeep going to downtown. Nearing Matina, the place where I could get my next ride going to the mall, I reached out for my purse to get the 50 peso bill I set aside for my fare (50 pesos could do you a lot more then that it could now). I was still looking into the pouch when I realized that I left the bill, and the purse, on the table. Trying not to panic and to look distressed, I innocently continued my search, reached for my phone, slowly closed my pouch and held it as if I was trying to text someone while everyone was busy reaching out favors to pass on their fare to the jeep conductor. A myriad of possible, and sometimes ridiculous, ways to get off the jeep dashed in my mind that I did not notice we were already in downtown. Eventually, the final street came where all the passengers are supposed to get off. My mind was busy and my heart was racing as I decided that this will be the do-or-die street-I should get off or I’ll get screwed. Fortunately, a bunch of friends riding in the jeep tapped the hand rail before the jeep made its final turn and without looking suspicious, I squeezed myself gracefully in between the passengers getting off, crossing my fingers and hoping no one would notice me. When my last foot touched the ground and heard the jeep drove off, I can’t help but smile and gave a sigh of relief-the most liberating one that I had in my entire life. I then went to my father’s office nearby smiling. Had I not pushed myself to think and act as calm and as composed as I have been, I would be probably seeing myself in the evening news as the lady caught for not paying her jeep ride. Luck was just on my side again.

After having been hooked on the Internet for five hours straight last Thursday, I realized that I have to send this document back to Zamboanga or I might lose my shot at independence and survival for a year. I really hate myself for being such a procrastinator. I think that is the only thing I mastered in college with so much preciseness and I am not exactly proud of it. I was very much looking forward to procrastination’s graceful regression, or better yet instantaneous exit from my life after schooling but guess what, here I am again, pulling the first shirt I could hold on to from my pile of clothes in the closet, and doing the ponytail (which I am not exactly good at) while waiting for the next tricycle that would bring me to the nearest LBC. It was nearly 4 in the afternoon and I am not exactly positive about it still being included in the day’s delivery. Nevertheless, I cannot afford to wait another day either and suffer the worst (The package will be delivered most probably on Monday if that happens as there is the weekend to consider.). Just as I walked in the receiving station of the courier service, I ran into the delivery man who was on his way out to the truck with the day’s packages. Mustering some guts and clearing my throat (I am not really used to talking to people I don’t know), I smiled and found myself chatting with this dear old man in his 40s. It proved to be the best thing to do because he waited for my package as it has to be paid and cleared in the counter. I went out of the office with a grin. Had I not walked the extra mile that afternoon, my package would still be in the skies while I am writing this article. Luck was just beside me this time.

Fast forward forty years later, to an afternoon when I would be in the yard, outside my dear small house, picking up weeds growing in the pots of my dear shrubs. I looked back to our porch and saw the love of my life--then young and full of life, now old and gray--fast asleep on his rocking chair with the paper in hand and snoring peacefully with mouth still open. Great and fun memories would then flood my thoughts of all the times we’ve been together: those times when we have to rush off to the hospital to visit our daughter who just gave birth and have a look at our cute apo; or when we would speed off to the airport to get into the next flight as chance passengers and catch our son’s graduation the next day; or when we were laughing our asses off and throwing popcorns at each other while watching a family comedy movie in one of our movie marathons. Thoughts of how we strongly bonded didn’t escape my mind either: how we endlessly argued of how stubborn each of us could get and how annoyed we are of each other; or when we sat in the kitchen table trying to find a way to extend our budget and funds that would get us by during the difficult times; or how hard it is to buy a new pair of shoes and not thinking of the baby’s education plan premium due the next day. Contented with all these memories, I would then go back to weeding my plants with a sigh of relief-probably the most meaningful one that I would have in my entire life. I wish that day would come, the day when I could smile with contentment and happiness and say to myself--luck was indeed on my side and love made it a lot sweeter.

Getting the Indie Fever

I am not really sure how indie films go but as far as movies are concerned, it is also best characterized by two words-UNDER BUDGET. Forget about Spiderman jumping on top of one building to another, or Jack and Rose screaming while holding on to dear life in a boat that is about to be split into two, or even Neo trying to stop the bullets in thin air from guns firing around with amazing choreography...Truth is they can not even afford a movie star, much less an actor just to do a part. Seeing these fancy scenes in indie movies should probably be like shooting an arrow on the moon because if it so, then it would not be indie anymore unless the producer is a really hefty fellow like Bill Gates or the Sultan of Brunei.

Under budget is also the perfect word for what's happening right now. Just two weeks ago, I've been busy with a very bold move that most of the people, upon learning, raised eyebrows. It's not that I am against them because if I'd be told the same, I would not exactly be ecstatic about it.

Culture tells us that children only separates from parents in these two occasions: (1) when he or she gets married or pregnant (for a girl, but of course its not that popular because many also opted not to); and/or (2) parents are not present for various reasons like death (God forbid), or living in a remote location. Notice in the previous sentence that it can hardly happen because of the "OR" (if you happen to stumble into a little logic, you know what i mean). The second option has been experienced by children blessed (or is it?) with residences far from where they study (Oh how i envy them when I was in college!). Yet, it can still not be accurately qualified for total separation because these kids do still get back to homes with their dear parents when school is over.

Now, what stuck me was the hugeness of the word INDIE now. Two weeks ago, I decided to take in this word (or is it really) as it is, literally, figuratively, whollistically, and wherever the suffix -lly could be appropriately added. Got this teeny weeny single detached house from an aunt (actually I am renting it, but of course on a considerable discount, hehe) and I've been busying myself filling it with "house stuff" (in mature language, it is called appliance) to make it habitable. Funny I never imagined myself so serious about house affairs until a fortnight ago when I began worrying on how to extend into its thinnest possible state the small and minute savings I got from my previous job. Laddles, spoons, floor mats...Picture them in the hands of a 22-year-old weasel like me. I get a headache everytime I do so. Goosebumps came to me like lightning striking unexpectedly in a rice field when I found myself one day wandering in the kitchen section of the department store...shucks, reality bites!

A week ago, I attended this revival gathering in our church and arriving at the venue late with a bag of house equips (clothes clips, brush, etc.), I saw my mom with her "amigas". My hommies weren't there for the night so I went to where she was. One of her dear "amigas" (actually a close tita) just exclaimed "Look what are you buying, you're like someone married!" My reaction: speechless.

Right now I have been receiving various reactions from the people who've heard about this. Most expressed hesitation, and indeed i have been hesitant and reluctant eversince I decided to do so especially that I do not have a steady job yet. However, I do not want to be deferred this time. I heard my erpats say to me just a while ago, "Why would you let others decide for you?" while we were discussing something else. It wasn't exactly something related to this major decision but I just realized I could use that everytime I decide and having second thoughts. Well, time to take risks. I have been taking them when I was away from home (been to war-prone areas for sometime) but I do am having difficulty taking that attitude when I am here at home. Relocation sometimes could do wonders to a stubborn person like me.

*Sigh*, indie films are more appealing yes, and so is indie life. But yes they both suffer scarcity of funds, in other words, UNDER BUDGET. Believe me, I am in the verge of venturing into the latter and those two words looms like dark clouds bringing rain. Wish me luck!

Note: This article would have been better if the author had first hand experience in an indie film. Unfortunately, congenital circumstances prevented her from doing so. (Translation: Walang talent sa arts at pagmumukha kaya pagtiyagaan nalang po natin ang komentaryo hinggil sa indie life...hehe)

The Pope, Titanic and Me

Watching Eternal Sunshine Of the Spotless Mind with Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet (yeah, the Titanic star) as casts for the nth time made me rekindle my past affinity with Alexander Pope. I first had a taste of his writing when I was in highschool. There was this project called poetry analysis in an English class where we had to write a term paper-like presentation of three poems of our choice. I really am not sure now if one of which was Pope's work but I am pretty sure that I did consider "An Essay on Criticism". I was a bit attracted to the poem the first time I read it after realizing that he was the on who penned the famous line "To err is human, to forgive is divine".

I became busy with "academic" stuff when i entered college that my literary thirst for Pope's work wasn't adequately quenched. My fascination with his pieces reached climax after seeing Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. The title was really catchy. Eventually i learned that it was an excerpt of Pope's Eloisa to Abelard. Gee, reading that piece gives me this unexplainable feeling of satisfaction and fulfillment. Thank God for his talent. I don't know why it has that effect on me. i learned this lesson from the movie though-the memories you had with a person is part of your individuality, of who you are.

To those who never had a taste of Pope's work, I am reposting a part of his eternal "Eloisa to Abelard", the stanza where the line from that movie title was taken. Let us together feel the spirit of his work converge into our souls and be one with his words.

Eloisa to Abelard

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;
Labour and rest, that equal periods keep;
"Obedient slumbers that can wake and weep;"
Desires compos'd, affections ever ev'n,
Tears that delight, and sighs that waft to Heav'n.
Grace shines around her with serenest beams,
And whisp'ring angels prompt her golden dreams.
For her th' unfading rose of Eden blooms,
And wings of seraphs shed divine perfumes,
For her the Spouse prepares the bridal ring,
For her white virgins hymeneals sing,
To sounds of heav'nly harps she dies away,
And melts in visions of eternal day.

To read the entire poem, here's the link. http://rpo.library.utoronto.ca/poem/1630.html
For his biography, just click on the text after the dots..http://andromeda.rutgers.edu/~jlynch/Texts/pope.html

Messages For Everyone

to someone i thought i'd like to get close to but decided i wont:
just because im being friendly means i am a s*ck-a**. it was a reciprocative gesture, not an aggressive act. wish you think before you speak. never expect id be as warm to you as before.

to the person who gave me a reason to look forward to going to that party:
i know i would never have the chance to be friends with you but just seeing you there is just enough to put a smile on my face.

to someone who has left and whom i shared some of life's sweetness:
there will never be an assurance as to how things will be in the future but im glad we became friends and we had a some fun memories together. not much really but just enough to make me miss you. i hope we could be good friends and will remain as one till the end.

to the friend who has awakened that night the sensuality i never thought i had which lay dormant for years:
i was sure glad that we could still talk the next time we saw each other. you know how much i really wanted to talk to you about what happened that night on our way home the next day. but i guess it would be best to let it be just like that. someday we could probably talk about it and laugh. it was a sweet memory though...one of those i will never forget.

to the girl who thinks she has won the lottery with that man:
i know you'll be happier together because if i were in your place, i'd be miserable as hell. i just am not sure if he deserves your love. but i wish you all the happiness.

to the person i almost get attached to but cowardice prevailed:
thanks for all the talks, it was all worth it. had i agreed to let you come over, had i put meaning over that 1-hour wait, had i never stopped communicating, we would probably have the chance of becoming "friendlier". good thing we are on the same network. i could still get updates from you despite your distance.

to someone who has broadcasted my so-called apology as her crowning glory:
i just want to say that i meant that when i said sorry. however, the apology was for hurting your feelings but never on taking back what i said because i always have a reason for everything that i say. i may regret some but that thing that you just accused me of saying which i could have possibly said (i have a poor memory), i would never take that back because if i really did say that, i think you deserve it. besides, i am entitled to my opinion. i am not violent and i am just not a loud mouth like you that's why i kept quiet. i know how to get angry too but i just dont let it out my mouth. if we would have taken that in a court room when we will be driven with reasons and not with negative and aggressive emotions, i know i will win.

to the girl friend i had since i was six:
it's best if you would not let boredom set in. you're well and good on your sixth year despite what you've been through. come on, marriage is a natural thing to do. just remember that ill be here no matter what.

to the person i thought i loved:
it's good seeing you again after sometime. not really much has changed on you but i was a bit wondering how come you became so distant. we never became good friends though.

to a buddy who committed a mistake but has moved on:
i really know you are a person that could withstand whatever that may come. and what happened proved that you really could. remeber that a child is always a blessing because there are some people who may never have the chance of having one. a mistake is never a reason for me to leave. we've been friends since highschool and i know there are still things more important than mistakes...friendship is one.

to the friend who never fails to get me a match:
thanks for all the effort. im as happy as a lad. i do have my own share of acquaintances. well, we may never know one of your friends could be the one for me but thanks really.

to the friend who has been one of the best phone pals ever:
philosophy has always been a great topic and it has never escaped our phone calls...and so is love. i know how you feel and i think im feeling it too especially during my "senti" moments. those talks somehow made me think of God. looking forward to the future in solitude is somewhat a possibility but its too early to conclude. youth is still on our side. and yeah, i really am thankful for forwarding me the messages of that guy i am so fond of.

to the guy im so incredibly fond of:
you were one of the first people i met in school yet we never became really close. i could remember every single instance when you have spoken to me (which is actually just thrice) or when we just even had close encounters. anyway, i hope you are doing just fine there. i could have written this on a text message but since i really have no business texting you, this will probably remain here for good. i wish you luck and happiness with her.

to the best "living-near-the-beach" philosophical friend:
you surely are one of the coolest. endless talks are always possible with you. this isnt the venue for a message for you because i know ill be dialing your number in a while.

to the man that ill be loving for the rest of my life:
paths are always tricky. we do get lost. but love will find its way. and when the day comes that our paths would cross (again, could be), i know it will be forever.

Teeny Weeny Bits and Pieces of Realizations

In the middle of work, I saw this post that really stuck me. I really think that it always boils down to who's the authority and who's not. People in power really could make themselves look smart and dignified eventhough they are the worst dumbasses that human race could produce...at least Neil Geiman does think so.

"It has always been the prerogative of children and half-wits to point out that the Emperor has no clothes. But the half-wit remains a half-wit, and the emperor remains an emperor." - Neil Gaiman

And yeah, next week's Valentines...as a friend puts it, "...when forgetting is as important as remebering..."

To my First Post in Filipino

My operation clean-up turned out to be a funny reading exprience after all. Saw this old notebook and found some scribbles in some pages that are actually words that can logically be assumed as poems. I can't believe I wrote poems then. But anyway, here's one piece I wrote which I really don't like. Well, its not much of a poem...I really don't know how'd I call it. Anyway, here it is.


Nakaraan ang magdamag
Di naisip ang kawalan
Di nakita ang kadiliman
Sapagkat ang iyong yakap
Tinakpan ang larawan ng kasalukuyan.

Hati at lubog sa bagabag
Ngunit di na alintana ang kaduwagan
Di dinamdam ang kakulangan
Dahil ang pagkakataong ninais
Hiling na sa iyong tabi'y nakamtan.

Lumipas ang sandali
Isa-isa'y mawawalay
Ilang sandali pa'y kawalan
Ang siyang hahantungan.

Limang oras ang pag-iisip,
Sintagal ng mahabang pelikula,
Ng oras sa pag-aaral sa hapon,
Ng magdamag na ang iyong kamay
Nakahawak, mahigpit.

Anim na oras sana.
Subalit sisikat din ang araw
Lahat mawawalay,
Lahat ay magiging alaala.

Paalam.

-----------
A product of boredom in the absence of love.

Music Maladies and Shallow Humor

Well we did have fun at the beach that day. But if you won't believe me, here is the proof of how shallow we could get when we get together!

Haha, fun isn't it?

Speaking the Text Lingo

'Twas a fun afternoon. It has been an hour since we started walking and loitering around the village streets consuming that chocolate bar and fish crackers we bought on that store just around the corner of my friend's house. We finally decided its time to quench our thirsts and finally close our snack session with a good, cold drink.

After having passed through several sari-sari stores (one of which was oddly named "Anything Goes" Store), we eventually found ourselves cruising the merchandise of this store not far from the exit which has a payphone on top of its glass shelf. We weren't so particular about that phone until this girl came and asked if she could use it. Well, the salesgirl didn't hesitate as it was a pay phone after all.

We were on our way back to the street with tetra packs already punched with straws when the girl using the phone started out her conversation. We werent really so attentive until her first greeting.

"Hello Ma'am...", she started in a loud and very serious tone. Perhaps she was talking to someone very important. Then the words she blurted after that became the reason why the next few blocks on my way out of their village became one of the longest and most memorable laugh trips we had..."Ay Ma'am, Good P-M!"

Well, to match that, let me put it this way...The only most appropriate thing to describe what we did on our way out is "LOL!"

____________________

Postscript: A perfect situation that definitely showcases the deep crevice that SMS and chat lingo has created into our lingua franca. Makes me wonder how "robot-like" humans are...*winks*

First published in Friendster blog February 1, 2006 2:16 AM

This Torment

(Dedicated to a friend who never ceases to love...)

Deep within, words kept coming
Reminding my soul of an undying bliss
Like earth rolling down a mountain
In a landslide...

Shadows of your existence flashed
It just kept appearing
Like lightning streaked across the sky
In a stormy night...

I would have screamed
I would have flown and escaped
But I can't
And I refuse to
Your memory is too precious to let go.

Originally posted from Friendster Blog January 30, 2006 9:01 PM

Inbox

Luisa grabbed her phone just under her pillow. It was still dark yet something seemed to wake her up. Instead of seeing that usual display of the time on her phone's display window, an envelope was displayed telling her she's got a message.

"Who the hell would text me at this time?", she asked frowning as she gently pressed the read button of her phone with eyes still half open. But her eyes lit up and a smile soon flashed across her face as she saw the sender's name. Yes, it was from him, from Marco.

After finally taking in all that was written in that five line screen, she turned off her phone and went back to sleep. The next day she visited his grave at the cemetery.

First posted in Friendster Blog January 29, 2006 6:38 AM

From Dust Till Doom

Got some thoughts while cleaning the window sill...

Words are carefully chosen to express love in its truest sense. But words are the very thing that limits the real essence of what it really is. There's only one word that captures it all...LOVE.

So will you stop blabbering?

****
First published in Friendster Blog January 15, 2006 9:52 AM

Butterflies and Jars

The night was calm and no rain was tapping on the roof, only the sound of the cricket just outside the window. It was nothing more than a night of slumber for many yet to Luisa, it was an evening full of memories she wants to put in a jar just like a preserved butterfly in the lab; dead indeed, but its beauty, its vibrance, and all its signs of life are trapped and suspended forever. If only she could put barricades on the highways of time just to let those moments come to a halt and place them in a jar...But she couldn't, she just can't.

****
First published in Friendster Blog January 15, 2006 9:36 AM